"What just happened?" she thought as the lights flickered out in the kitchen. The big, empty Victorian house was silent. She was home alone. Her parents had gone out for the weekend; on some trip down south or something. It wasn't something that she really cared about, she just wanted to be alone. But alone in the creepy old Victorian house she has yet to get used to. There was so much space she felt as if there were things tucked away in the dark corners of the house that she didnt notice. Things that were watching her from a distance. Sarah knew she had to find the electric box to turn all the lights back on but she had no clue where to start looking. The house was pitch black. She could barely see what was surrounding her. Lining the perimeter of the house were several huge tall trees blocking any possible light from entering. Many were so tall and old that they began to lean onto the side of the house and when there was a breeze, the branches would scratch at the windows.
Sarah had no clue where her mother put the flashlights so she pulled out her phone to try to provide a little light. She finished unpacking the previous day so there were still empty boxes scattered across the floor in the hallways that she continuously tripped over. The light from her phone barely emanated a foot in front of her. She carefully maneuvered through the dark searching for the metal box on the wall. She would rather not explore her house, but unless she wanted to live in darkness until her parents had come back, she was forced to continue searching. She opened doors slowly and kept a great distance before checking what was inside of them. After searching the first floor she went up the mahogany staircase in the front of the house, wood creaking beneath her. The branches shook the big stained glass windows at the top of the staircase which made her jump in her skin. There was nothing to be afraid of she told herself.
As she walked down the long dark hallway she got a waft of must which gave her chills up her spine. She slowly and carefully opened the first door and stuck her head inside, shining her phone towards the bottom of the closet. As she leaned in more the closet door blew open, leaving Sarahs face pale as a ghost. She shut it quickly and shuffled down the hallway to the next door. She opened it swiftly and shined her phone inside. It wasnt a closet, it was a laundry shaft. She held onto the molding of the door and stuck her head inside. She shined the light towards the laundry shaft but it was too dark to see any farther than a foot from the top. The shaft was pretty compact, but big enough for a person to fit in it. Big enough for a person to hide in, where no one would find them. She cringed at the thought.
So we barely spoke about this assignment at all in the senior classes, just to let you guys know that the prompt was THERE if anyone was interested. And I'm glad you took up the challenge.
ReplyDeleteWhat we worked on a bit more in the sophomore classes was the idea of sensory detail...details that make the reader feel as though they are right there in the character's skin. Now you have some of these details here, like...
"After searching the first floor she went up the mahogany staircase in the front of the house, wood creaking beneath her. The branches shook the big stained glass windows at the top of the staircase which made her jump in her skin."
And...
"she got a waft of must which gave her chills up her spine."
What I've noticed a lot about the dark room stories I've read so far is that there's another kind of detail, which we might call "action detail" or maybe "event detail," which is when you describe what HAPPENS very closely. Like this:
"She finished unpacking the previous day so there were still empty boxes scattered across the floor in the hallways that she continuously tripped over. The light from her phone barely emanated a foot in front of her. She carefully maneuvered through the dark searching for the metal box on the wall. She would rather not explore her house, but unless she wanted to live in darkness until her parents had come back, she was forced to continue searching. She opened doors slowly and kept a great distance before checking what was inside of them."
Both of these types of detail are good and necessary for a story to work. But one makes you feel like you're OBSERVING, and one makes you feel like you're PARTICIPATING. Does this make sense and can you see the difference I'm talking about? I'm sort of working this insight out as I see it and comment on it across student blogs, so I may not be making too much sense...But I hope you get what I'm trying to show you.
Meanwhile, nice story and I'm glad you've continued it! Do you know what's going to happen or are you "improvising" it as you're going along?